Well then.

Shitty Roommate or Moron Girlfriend broke Boyfriend's new 360 today. Awesome. Tomorrow will be interesting. We're having a house meeting and are giving them the roommate agreement first thing in the morning.

Nothing like waking up to vomit in the toilet.

I swear I couldn’t make this up if I tried. I had the house to myself most of yesterday. From about 2pm on. It was fantastic. When Boyfriend got home from work we decided to finish putting the rest of the stuff in the basement for storage. It’s been relatively hot here the past few days, and while carrying boxes downstairs Boyfriend yells up at me asking if he should bring up the fan so it can cool down in here. We agree it’s a good idea and he looks around and tells me the fan must be in the living room because it’s not downstairs.

We finish bringing stuff down and go look in the living room. No fan. Boyfriend was very confused. So I think for a minute and remember that there was most definitely a fan running in Shitty Roommate and Moron Girlfriend’s room last night/earlier that morning. I bet Boyfriend 10 bucks it was his. So we open the door to their room, and sure enough, his fan. Boyfriend is pissed. We take it out along with another thing of his that they deemed necessary to take ownership of and bring them in our room.


I don’t understand what makes someone think they have a right to just use someone else’s stuff in any way they see fit without even asking first. And he does it with my things too. There’s the rat in the couch deal, he has decided my nice wooden bowls are his personal fruit bowls [They’re now in storage], when I took out my spice rack, he told me which ones I should throw away because he never cooks with them…
I’m sorry, but if I pay for all the food, why do I care in the slightest bit what you cook with? I should probably pack that back up today for the time being now that I think about it.


And when I woke up and used the bathroom this morning there was vomit in the toilet. Living with a bulimic rules!!!!
I suppose now I will just wait for the inevitable bitch fest of “WHY WERE YOU GUYS IN MY ROOM TAKING YOUR THINGS BACK WHEN YOU WANTED TO USE THEM??? WAHHHHHHH” when Shitty Roommate gets up.

ZOMG ANOTHER ENTRY SO SOON?????

Shitty Roommate just informed Boyfriend he can not pay the cable/electric/phone bill on time. And being that it’s a small $50 payment, my money is not on him being able to pay rent. I love my life.

Oh man, Shitty Roommate may be as stupid as Moron Girlfriend.

He just yells across the house "HOLY SHIT YOU GOT LETTERS FROM ALL OF [messageboard we frequent]!!!!!!!!"






Earlier today, I put stamps on Giftmas cards from this year that never got sent out and put them in the mailbox for our mailman.




I yell back "Did you never learn how to read an envelope? Those are letters I am mailing."

A look in the the hollow space between Moron Girlfriend's ears

Now, I do not have a lot of money. I get foodstamps. That’s how little money I have. So being that it’s the end of the month, I have very little foodstamps as well. Tuesday I went shopping for the week. Boyfriend gave me cash, and I asked Shitty Roommate and Moron Girlfriend if they needed/wanted anything. Of course they did and so I asked if they had money to throw in. They said no, they just paid student loans. And I quickly explain I had $40 left for food for the rest of the month and if I could afford these things I would get them. 

I leave, get in the car, and before I pull out of the driveway, I call to check my balance so I know exactly how much I have and can spend. I had $24 left. But it was okay. I had some frozen chicken at home, enough for at least 2 meals, and some sauce so we could have at least one pasta meal. I will not bore your all with the details of my grocery spoils, but I got enough food for Boyfriend and I to eat a decent breakfast and lunch until the 2^nd for only $23.50.

When I got home Moron Girlfriend was in the kitchen. And I explained how I in fact had half the money I thought I did, so at least until I get more foodstamps I was going to need her help rearranging the fridge. I was going to take one shelf, one door rack and one cabinet. So were her and her boyfriend. We have a third shelf and rack which is going to be designated “Communal” and split the freezer.

Now here is where it gets fun. The night before, Boyfriend and I had Salmon for dinner. She does not eat fish. Tuesday is Wing Night and we go out to eat. Last night I cooked four servings of chicken cutlets for sandwiches. And delicious fried oyster mushrooms. I did not offer any to Moron Girlfriend because I had exactly enough for Boyfriend and I to have it for dinner, and the leftovers for lunch today. During dinner, Boyfriend commented that I had gotten my nails done, which is true, and then asked me what I ordered on Amazon.com.

Now, before someone asks why I am not feeding this girl when I have money to shop on Amazon, and to get my nails done….. I work on a budget. The state gives me a set amount every month for food. I can feed myself on that. And feed Boyfriend. I do not spend loose change. I save it, take it to Coinstar, and cash it in for an Amazon gift certificate because I can get ANYTHING on Amazon and they don’t take a percentage of my money to do that. I also can afford $40 a month to pamper myself in the tiniest bit. I don’t feel that I need to give that up in order to feed my roommate.

So anyway, as Boyfriend and I are discussing things involving money I spent today, you can feel Moron Girlfriend getting annoyed. And after we ate, we retired to our room to hang out for a while. You could hear Moron Girlfriend slamming things around the house. Fairly certain she’s mad at me.

For funsies, here are some of her antics as of late:

1.     I am entirely certain she is bulimic. Every morning, at about 10:30, she gets up, goes to the bathroom, turns on the faucet, and gags for 10-30 minutes. Up until last week she thought she was pregnant and so did I due to the puking. But she went to the OB, took a test there and is not. She’s also concerned about “all the weight she gained” when she thought she was pregnant. The girl wears a size 1.

2.     She will rearrange things I put in the dishwasher so less stuff fits, but never runs it once she makes it full. I have to go through it every night and move everything back to where stuff fits so I can run the wash.

3.     When she cooks, she leaves her mess out for 2+ hours after she eats before she will clean up her mess.

4.     She often assumes that I will drive her across town for free when gas is $4 a gallon.

5.     I am a smoker. But I smoke on the closed in porch or outside. Because I do not want my house to smell like stale smoke. I also open the windows on the porch and spray fabreeze in there when I am finished. There is a window in the wall between the porch and the living room. Often, when Shitty Roommate smokes on the porch he opens the window to the house. I always go and close it the next time I am in there, but it takes two people. The side where you can physically close the windowpane, and the lock to keep it up are on two different sides. So one person needs to hold it shut while the other locks it. Yesterday, I ask Moron Girlfriend to do me a favor and lock the window so I could go smoke and “I do not like my house to smell like smoke”.  She replies “Oh no, Shitty Roommate opened it, it can stay open.” I had to repeat my sentence, overemphasizing and pantomiming the words “I” and “my”. She looked at me as if to say “why do you care what it smells like in here?”.

6.     She always rearranges things I have put in the common area to suit her liking. I often will move shit for no reason while she is sleeping or not home just to watch her try to fix it when she gets home or wakes up.

This weekend Boyfriend and I are presenting them with a roommate agreement. Either they will agree, sign it and this blog will die (Unlikely.), or Shitty Roommate will throw a temper tantrum and Boyfriend and I will remove one item we own from common areas every day that passes. Which is a good 95% of the stuff in the house. We have yet to decide if it would be more amusing if we took the tv or couch away first.

This conversation just happened.

Shitty Roommate: You know you can eat the fruit I get right?

Me: I don’t eat any of it.

Shitty Roommate: Well it might help you afford food.

………..

Oh. Right. I see how that makes sense. o.0

It is probably a good idea to give you guys a little background.

The Characters:

Me: I am a mid-twenties “House-Girlfriend”. I am currently unemployed, recently relocated, and looking to go back to school. During the day I make sure dishes are cleaned, laundry is washed and dried, and dinner is cooked. I take care of he house in exchange for Boyfriend taking care of our bills.

Boyfriend: Boy friend and I have been dating a little over a year now. He is gainfully employed and makes enough to afford me to stay home and be the “house-girlfriend”. He and Shitty Roommate [formerly known as Awesome Roommate] having been living together for over a year now.

Shitty Roommate: I have known Shitty Roommate for over 2 years. He used to be Awesome Roommate until recently. He apparently works a good enough job to afford to let Moron Girlfriend sit on her lazy ass all day.

Moron Girlfriend: I’ve only known Moron Girlfriend for 3 weeks. I don’t ever see her do much that doesn’t include smoking pot, playing video games, StumbleUpon, or watching TV/Boyfriend’s Netflix.

3 weeks down, 49 to go.

I just signed a one year lease and have been living with my boyfriend for 3 weeks now. He is wonderful, our relationship is wonderful, and we are having a wonderful time. His roommate, however, is a psychopath.


Alright, maybe not a legit psychopath, but he is the biggest man child ever. We're two couples living together. There is Me & Boyfriend, and Shitty Roommate & Moron Girlfriend. (Some names have been changed to protect identities.) As far as bills go, each couple is responsible for half the rent and utilities. Also food. When one person cooks, they cook for everyone. So food is community food. When Boyfriend moved in, he bought $200 worth of food. The next week I moved in and bought $150 worth of food. Last week Boyfriend and I spent $80 on food, and I spent an additional $40 for Easter foods. So $470 on food. Shitty Roommate has spent $0. I have fed Moron Girlfriend every night for free. As of today we are dividing the fridge and cabinets, and Moron Girlfriend will have to fend for herself. Shitty Rommate's reasoning is that since he goes to the farmer's market and spends a stupid amount of money on strange produce NO ONE but he will eat, we should pay for everything else.


Speaking on the farmer's market, he wants us to go with him every week. On Saturday, at 7am. He broke my bedroom door last time he asked us to go since we were ignoring his knocking.


Shitty Roommate also hates to do dishes. If there are dishes in the sink, he will break them if he has to do them. Including things like $20 wine glasses.


And the icing in this situation is his pet Rat and how he cars for it. When Shitty Roommate and Boyfriend moved in together a year ago, I lent Boyfriend a couch I had just bought, and was in storage since he did not own one. Shitty Roommate got a pet Rat and has let it LIVE IN THE COUCH. The cushions are torn and ruined, it is probably full of rat piss and shit, and he doesn't see an issue with it. He has gone so far as to offer to have it cleaned when I explained he needed to replace it. This was not a couch I purchased via Craigslist. This is a couch I purchased brand new, with a pullout queen bed, so I could still have company over for a night even if I lived in a one bedroom.


Today I am going food shopping for the week. We made an agreement that I would do all the food shopping since I am a housewife and everyone taking a week and rotating was absurd and hard to keep track of. So Shitty Roommate and I agreed that he would throw $20-$40 in for food for the week. He has never thrown in a dime but always has a list of 20 things he needs from the store.
Today, I tell him when he doesn't want to give me money, that we are splitting the fridge and cabinets and I will no longer be feeding him or Moron Girlfriend. We will see how this works out.